Any long-term relationship is filled with joys and challenges. A healthy relationship is not one that doesn’t have problems, but rather one in which tough conversations are managed well. The Gottman Method offers valuable principles based on decades of research:
- Start well
- Listen well
- Take breaks when needed
- Make and accept repair attempts
- Offer appreciations
1. Start well:
How a conversation starts, is a strong predictor of how it will end. John Gottman; renowned relationship researcher, found that he could predict with over 90% accuracy how a 15 minute conversation would end just by analysing the first 3 minutes of their interaction.
Setting the stage for important conversations by flagging them for your partner can help to make sure you’re both in the right headspace when you begin the conversation. For example, a conversation about a significant overspend is unlikely to go well if your partner isn’t expecting it. Using an ‘opener’ can be useful here.
You might say
“I noticed that we spent a lot more on the kids going back to school than expected. Would now be a good time to talk about that”?
If now isn’t a good time you can plan for when you will have the conversation so that you’re both ready.
Additionally using a ‘softened start-up’ sets the stage for success. It involves beginning difficult conversations gently and without blame. This reduces defensiveness and sets a positive tone for the discussion. It focuses on expressing your feelings using “I” statements rather than “you” statements, which helps to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, saying “I feel/felt upset when…” instead of “You always…” can make a big difference in how your message is received.
2. Listen Well:
Active listening skills are crucial in any relationship. They involve fully concentrating, understanding, responding to, and remembering what the other person is saying. Thinking about how we’re going to respond when the other person is speaking is NOT active listening!
Active listening techniques include:
- maintaining eye contact,
- asking deepening questions and
- paraphrasing or checking that we’ve understood correctly.
It’s also important to avoid interrupting and to show empathy by acknowledging the speaker’s feelings. Empathy can be expressed verbally, for example “that sounds tough” or non-verbally, for example by leaning forward, or offer supportive touch. This creates a safe environment for open and honest communication.
3. Take Breaks when Needed:
When emotions become elevated, breaks can become game-changers. No-one after 20 minutes of arguing is going to turn around and say,
“Ah now that you’ve been trying to convince me for the last 20 minutes I finally get it”!
In reality, as we try to convince the other person of our position, we become more rigid in our own view, and less open to each other’s.
When things start to escalate it’s important to take a safe break; one that feels safe for both of you. The ingredients of a safe break are:
- Acknowledging your own need for a break ie not blaming your partner
- Specifying a time to return to the conversation so that issues are addressed and not left unresolved
- Honouring the safe break by giving the space that’s been requested
- Engaging in self-soothing activities such as going for a walk or listening to a podcast.
- Using positive thoughts or mindful activities to calm down
- Returning to the discussion with a constructive mindset ie respecting your partner and being willing to hear their perspective as well as share your own.
4. Make and Accept Repair Attempts:
Making repairs during tough conversations is important for maintaining healthy dialogue. It’s easy for tough conversations to get derailed but repairs can help to maintain connection and get things back on track.
A repair attempt is any statement or action aimed at de-escalating tension and keeping the two of you working as a team. Examples include using humour, offering a kind word, or simply acknowledging the other person’s perspective.
- “Seems like ‘The Fixer’ in me showed up early. Let me have a go at listening again”
- “Looks like that didn’t come across how I intended it. Let me try again”
- “I agree with part of what you’re saying”
- “Can I give you a hug”?
- “Although this is hard, our relationship’s worth it”
The goal is to halt negative escalation and show a willingness to work through the issue together. Recognizing and accepting these attempts can strengthen your relationship and help resolve conflicts more effectively.
5. Express Appreciation:
Expressing appreciation reinforces positive behaviour and is beneficial in response to repair attempts made during, and in response to, tough conversations.
Expressing appreciation is also vital for building a strong emotional connection during day-to-day life. It nurtures intimacy and deepens the bond between partners. It also boosts your partner’s morale and fosters positivity and mutual respect, making it easier to address conflicts as they arise.
Some examples of expressions of appreciation are:
- simple gestures like saying “thank you” for daily tasks
- complementing each other’s strengths
- leaving a kind note
Things you can start doing now
Making changes isn’t easy and learning anything new takes time. Having read the strategies above, choose one thing that you can start to work on. Share with each other the intention that you have as you start discussing a difficult topic.
Be patient with yourself and each other. Learning anything takes time and there will be mistakes along the way. It might even feel clunky to start with but that’s just because it’s new. In time using the above strategies will start to feel more comfortable and natural, and the two of you will be navigating tough conversations in a way that feels much more collaborative.
Begin building a stronger, healthier relationship with the Gottman Method
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