Help in Deciding How to Move Forward
Marriages, or other long-term committed relationships, are filled with highs, lows, moments of joy, and moments of challenge that test the foundation of a couple’s bond. For many couples, navigating the difficult terrain of a strained or seemingly broken marriage can feel overwhelming. Some couples decide to seek therapy, yet others might be unsure if they even want to stay together. These couples are at a critical point in their relationship; separation is on the table. Often in these couples one partner is ‘leaning in’ and the other is ‘leaning out’. For couples facing this dilemma, Discernment Counselling offers a unique, specialised approach.
What Is Discernment Counselling?
Developed by Dr. Bill Doherty, a family therapist and professor at the University of Minnesota, this type of counselling aims to help couples gain clarity and confidence in making a decision about the future of their relationship.
Unlike traditional couples therapy, that focuses on working through issues to improve the relationship, Discernment Counselling helps couples explore three distinct paths:
- Delaying any major decisions, allowing for more time and consideration.
- Deciding to end the marriage and pursue separation or divorce.
- Continuing the marriage and working on it through a solid commitment to couples therapy.
Discernment counselling does not push for one outcome or another but instead provides a structured space for both partners to deeply reflect on their individual and shared desires.
Who Is Discernment Counselling For?
This type of counselling is specifically intended for couples where one partner is leaning toward ending the relationship, while the other is wanting to work on saving it. This dynamic is often referred to as a “mixed-agenda” couple. Discernment Counselling is not suitable for couples who are both committed to working on the marriage (traditional couples therapy would be more appropriate for them), nor is it appropriate for couples where one of the partners is already fully decided on separation or divorce.
Experiencing uncertainty in our once most important relationship can feel overwhelming. Anxiety, disconnection, depression, conflict, miscommunication, or feeling misunderstood can send us into survival mode. It can be hard to think straight let alone feel confident in making this significant decision. Discernment Counselling offers a structured, short-term format to help both partners gain insight into the past, the present and possible directions for the future of the relationship.
The Discernment Counselling Process
Discernment Counselling typically spans between one and five sessions. Each session is designed to explore the issues in the relationship and help both individuals understand their own role in the marital dynamics. The goal is not to fix the relationship in these sessions but to achieve clarity about the next step.
- Initial Session: In the first session, the counsellor meets with both partners together to outline the process and explain the three potential outcomes (delay, leave or committing to work on building a better relationship). The counsellor will also assess whether Discernment Counselling is appropriate for the couple, ensuring both partners are ready to participate.
- Individual Conversations: A key aspect of Discernment Counselling is that a significant portion of each session is spent with each partner individually. This allows the counsellor to explore each person’s feelings, fears, and motivations in a private setting, ensuring that each person feels heard and can express themselves freely without the pressure of the other partner’s presence.
- Reflective Feedback: After each individual conversation, the couple reconvenes with the counsellor, who facilitates a brief feedback.
- Decision-Making: By the final session, the hope is that both partners have gained enough insight and understanding to make an informed decision about their next step. Whether that means continuing to work on the marriage or deciding to separate, the goal is to leave with greater clarity and less confusion.
Why Choose Discernment Counselling?
Discernment Counselling offers several unique benefits for couples in crisis:
- Clarity in Uncertainty: The primary goal is to help couples make a decision with confidence, rather than being stuck in limbo. Even if the decision is to separate, couples who go through Discernment Counselling are more likely to do so with mutual understanding and respect.
- Non-Judgmental Space: This type of counselling offers a safe environment where both partners can express their doubts and concerns without feeling judged or pressured into making a particular choice. The counsellor serves as a neutral party, focusing solely on facilitating honest reflection and conversation.
- Focus on Both Partners: Because the counselling sessions include individual time with each partner, Discernment Counselling ensures that both people’s voices are heard and their perspectives are valued. This balanced approach can help resolve feelings of imbalance or frustration that often arise in mixed-agenda couples.
- Time-Limited Approach: Discernment Counselling is not a long-term commitment. For couples feeling overwhelmed by the idea of therapy, the brief nature of Discernment Counselling makes it a more approachable option. The focus on short-term clarity can be a relief for those who feel exhausted by prolonged marital conflict.
Key Outcomes of Discernment Counselling
While Discernment Counselling is not intended to “save” relationships, it can have powerful results, no matter the outcome. Some couples find that through the process, they rediscover a willingness to work on their relationship. Others come to the realisation that separation is the best course of action, but because the decision was made thoughtfully, it often leads to a more amicable and less contentious split.
Discernment Counselling can also provide valuable insights into one’s own contributions to the where the relationship is at; identifying opportunities to grow personally from the experience whether this relationship lasts or not. Being in this space is painful and learning how to avoid repeating past ‘mistakes’ is important.
Regardless of the decision, Discernment Counselling empowers couples to make an informed choice based on careful reflection rather than emotional reactions or external pressures. This approach can reduce future regret, as both partners feel they made the best possible decision given their unique circumstances.
Is Discernment Counselling Right for You?
If you and your partner are struggling to make a decision about the future of your marriage, Discernment Counselling might be the right fit. It offers a compassionate, thoughtful approach to what can be one of the most difficult decisions in life.
By helping couples reflect deeply on their relationship, Discernment Counselling provides a roadmap to clarity—whether that leads to rebuilding the marriage or choosing a respectful separation. Ultimately, it offers couples the opportunity to pause, reflect, and move forward with greater confidence.
PLEASE PHONE OR EMAIL IF YOU’D LIKE TO DISCUSS
e. counselling@welloflife.com.au
p. 0432 99 88 31